In a world where being on the brink of breakdown is, like, lolllz

is there a difference between gallows humor and self-reinforcing negative thinking? I think so.

I’m not the kind of person who believes in the idea of guilty pleasures, really, because mostly I think, who cares?

Who is the arbiter of what is a transgressive pleasure, other than myself? I am very permissive, in part because I have a rebellious streak that makes even a whiff of restriction all the more tantalizing. I’ve mentioned before that Gretchen Rubin defines the rebel’s motto as “you can’t make me, and neither can I.” Once, on the very day I started Weight Watchers, I ate an entire box of Milk Duds, which is not a thing I do regularly to begin with. My mom once bought me a t-shirt emblazoned with “You’re Not the Boss of Me,” if I haven’t been clear enough.

So, for example, I don’t consider dessert a “guilty pleasure” because food doesn’t have moral valence in my book. I suppose “guilty pleasure” could also refer to something that one might be embarrassed by if revealed, such as an affinity for WWE.¹ But again, for better or worse, not much embarrasses me, and that’s a quality I’ve purposefully cultivated because of my rebellious, you’re-not-the-boss-of-me posture toward many social expectations.

This enormous preamble is to say: my longtime guilty pleasure is watching makeup videos on YouTube. And perhaps incredibly—if you’re a snob who considers love of makeup gauche or plebian, you’ll find it incredible—a phrase I’ve filed away as a personal axiom came from a makeup artist on YouTube.

She shared that her therapist, in discussing this makeup artist’s overwhelming anxiety, said:

“I think you’re underestimating your ability to cope.”

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By nature, blogging (and now vlogging) is self-revelatory. It’s sharing your diary with strangers. Certainly, blogging is usually a curated sharing, but the anonymity (or at least physical remove) of the internet has made Openness and Sharing much easier. Our honesty gets praised for “shining a light” and “raising awareness.” In many ways, this is very good. It helps to know you’re not alone in a particular struggle that may not be easy to bring up at the dinner table or in the break room.

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut……….

At some point, all the likes and supportive comments become very tasty little treats, readily available simply by Sharing Your Struggle or Updating About Your Journey, and before long your Struggle and Journey become rewarding not by working through them but by talking about them. A person may start referring to anxiety or depression as “my anxiety” or “my depression,” for example. Possessive case.

So, two things about that.

1) If it’s yours, you can choose for it to not be yours. You can choose to make your illness/disability a contributor rather than a main character.

2) If it’s yours, you might not want to give it up, because possession is difficult to relinquish. There’s a whole industry of declutterers and minimalists and Marie Kondos dedicated to helping people let go of things they willingly brought into their lives but can’t seem to get rid of.

“Am I underestimating my ability to cope?” is something I return to regularly in moments of emotional or physical difficulty. Sometimes the answer is no, I’m not actually, and that’s led me to get treatment for unrelenting depression and physical pain.

But “am I underestimating my ability to cope?” has also helped me get through tough but temporary moments² of discomfort. Maybe some of my own thoughts and ideas about How Life Should Go are creating a scenario ripe for not coping well.

Overwhelm can often be remedied by adopting new strategies, like being okay with your kids eating mac n cheese for dinner five out of the last seven days because you’re too mentally taxed by the class you’re taking to get into arguments about food. In another month, the class will be over, and you can go back to a nightly war of attrition over vegetable consumption. No need for anguish or mommy guilt. The stress is temporary.

That’s a trivial example, and of course, I have plenty of serious ones, but how serious or trivial whatever difficulty is that you’re facing matters less than your belief in your ability to cope, and thus employ coping strategies. The elements might all be there to make a prison of anguish, but you don’t have to make a prison out of them.

”For the past several weeks, My secret Santa has been giving me pieces of a machine that I've been attempting to assemble. I'm suspicious of this because I had the exact same idea for catching Osama bin Laden. I would simply send him a different piece each day. He would assemble it to find himself In jail!”

Online climate sensors (memes, blog posts, Twitter feeds) suggest it’s en vogue to revel in an oppressed, marginalized, mentally unwell identity. It’s cool to not be coping very well. But in case you need to hear it: your intellectual, interpersonal life can be so very much bigger than your physical or emotional or mental limitations. Speaking from experience.

1. I don’t. But I know and love people who do, so no judgment.

2. when I say moments, sometimes I mean “days,” sometimes I mean “weeks,” sometimes I mean “months.”