"The distaste for the attitude comes from feeling judged and found wanting, when in fact you have a life you find valuable and meaningful."
As a non-traditionally-minded homemaker, this is completely on the money, for me. And yeah, I've gotten way more judgment in my bubble from being a homemaker than anything else I've done. Even among people who consider themselves very progressive and feminist (maybe even especially there), any kind of outside-the-home work is *still* valued much more than traditional "women's work". Says a lot.
Not every human instinct is base. We ought not to force people to do things or be people they don't want to be; embracing freedom from social obligations (formed to some degree from evolutionary necessity) is different than thinking those roles were never any good to begin with.
Let me begin with the aside that this all ties nicely in to a recent piece on validity I read.
This kind of stuff is bizarre but also nearly universal in culture. I was having a conversation at a wedding recently with a young lady who was a "server" (am I the only person who thinks that word sounds worse than waiter?) and was remarking on the low status of her job compared to the high status of mine. Yet, my job is bullshit. With few exceptions lawyers are, at best, doing bullshit work that shouldn't exist (like me!) or actively making the world a worse place. Meanwhile, the culinary industry is something that makes life awesome!
If my job was obviated by having universal healthcare, everyone would be better off (but some people would be slightly less rich so...). But imagine a world without bars and restaurants! It would be terrible!
I am - by far - the most well compensated and prestigious of anyone in my family since we got to this country a century or so ago. I make - by far - the least amount of positive impact in the world. That's fucked up!
I don't think there's anywhere that's more clear than this distinction between in home/out of home work. Doing sales for a tech company should not be more valued than raising human beings. Financially? Sure, whatever, I'm not an economist. But in terms of respect, that makes no sense.
So, from an unmarried man with no kids, solidarity to my homemakers out there.
Let the three of us link arms and go forth in defense of the dignity of the working/caregiving class!
I also wish you wouldn’t denigrate yourself/your job so much. I very much understand the sentiment having done a job I felt was not worth it for five years. But I have a feeling you are still bringing positivity and good into the world through your job somehow. Don’t talk about my friend DanT that way!
Lol, I almost put in a disclaimer that I wasn't self pitying but I omitted it for brevity. But I think it's indisputable that lawyers are, at best, a necessary evil and, in my particular field, something that only exists because of flaws in the system that could be easily solved. I help people who should not need help. I often say I hope to see my job rendered obsolete because it'll mean the world is a better place.
Depends on the person and the situation, but I think a big part of it is the hours, especially if you work nights. Young people who went to college can be very judgey about it, too. I had the sort of benefit of being in pastry when the foodie thing was really hot. Women put up with a lot in the the biz.
When I was self-employed I use to have the opposite go to line. I'd tell people it was great except my boss is a dick. Good times.
The nuclear family thing is interesting. I feel it's antithetical to the ethnic experience. Except for maybe a brief period in - you guessed it, the 50s - my family has never been like that. It's always been large, sprawling multi-generational families living together (or, like me as an adulr, just solo).
I never experienced a Leave it to Beaver life so maybe it actually fucking rocks. But I loved growing up in a house with my cousins and my grandparents. Sure, good luck finding alone time, and I probably didn't get as big a dinner as my classmates,* but I wouldn't trade it for anything.
* I will argue I ate better because my grandma's macaroni was orders of magnitude better than anything the medigans were eating.**
** Did I just footnote my comment? You're damm right I did.
I grew up with my grandmother in-house all the time, and occasional overseas relatives--nobody ever stayed in a hotel. It was great! I think there's a new iteration of June Cleaver in online/influencer spaces because influencer branding (when its not Kardashianesque) is so curated to seem "effortless" and "flawless."
As per usual, my people were all over this phenomenon a few centuries ago. Baldassarre Castiglione coined the term "sprezzatura" which refers to "a certain nonchalance, so as to conceal all art and make whatever one does or says appear to be without effort and almost without any thought about it."
Sprezzatura, no matter what it's called, has been around for centuries (likely far longer, since the Neolithic Revolution) and changes its shape while maintaining the same spirit. It's locked in an eternal struggle with handsei and grindset.
Wow I didn’t know any of that which is a shame since I discovered that genetically I am 2% from the Italian peninsula. I’ve really been diving into my Italian heritage. I had spaghet last night just like in the old country. Capisce?!
Excellent use of the ginzo slang "capisce" instead of the Italian "capisci." I am impressed.
My favorite thing about those tests are that they change. For five years I was part Jewish! I made a lot of jokes I needed to apologize for once it updated.
Lol. Yes I haven’t taken one in a long time so I’m sure the genetic tracking technology is more precise now. Until such time as I happen to do one again, I would prefer everyone accept my self identification as Italian. Regardless of what your DNA says, you’re a…come si dice..mensch!
Before I had my kid, I never imagined that I’d want to be a SAHM, based on my limited patience for other peoples’ kids. But now I am jealous of parents who get to stay home. Parenting is the most meaningful thing I do, and it’s not even close. It’s awful how the US work week, and lack of vacation, limit our time with our kids.
Absolutely. If, when I left my job, remote part time work was an option—which it 100% could have been, it just wasn’t A Thing That Is Done at that time— I would’ve continued working. But at that time the choice was sit on my thumb at the office 8 hours a day while somebody else took care of my kid, or quit. We were the working poor for many years after that.
Those are still the options for most parents, and of course working from home isn’t possible in a lot of jobs anyway. BUT. With more flexibility not only could parents spend more time as caregivers to their own kids, they could be available to close friends and family to help watch THEIR kids. I have found that 3-5 kids is very doable as a caregiver, because they entertain each other. They get to be with a parent or other loving adult in their life and they also get to hang out with close friends or cousins.
I loved this essay, and not just for your apt use of “faffing around.” I was a stay-at-home mom for 21 years, and now that both kids have left the nest, I’m “just” a housewife. While it has happened only one time that someone has said to my face that I am selfishly wasting my talents, I read this kind of thing in NYTimes comment sections (and their ilk) all the time. And for at least the last 15 years, well-meaning people have asked me when I’m going back to work (not even whether; when), how I can stand being so bored (I’m not bored), how much they wish they had time to sit around reading novels (it’s true; I do read a lot), and how I’m lucky that I have time to have so many hobbies (it’s true; I do have a lot of hobbies).
Somehow the fact that I LIKE living this way never comes into it, or that both my kids are autistic and one is physically disabled too, so part of why I chose to stay home was so I could ferry them to doctors’ appointments and therapies. Or that my staying home meant that my husband could take much more lucrative work opportunities, giving our family much more income than I could have earned as a teacher. Etc. Disappointingly, all of these little remarks are made by people on my end of the political spectrum. I think that feminism means women have a right to choose our path in life, not that there are only a few correct paths for us.
Anyway, as always, I loved your essay, which says what I have been thinking so much better than I ever could.
"The distaste for the attitude comes from feeling judged and found wanting, when in fact you have a life you find valuable and meaningful."
As a non-traditionally-minded homemaker, this is completely on the money, for me. And yeah, I've gotten way more judgment in my bubble from being a homemaker than anything else I've done. Even among people who consider themselves very progressive and feminist (maybe even especially there), any kind of outside-the-home work is *still* valued much more than traditional "women's work". Says a lot.
Not every human instinct is base. We ought not to force people to do things or be people they don't want to be; embracing freedom from social obligations (formed to some degree from evolutionary necessity) is different than thinking those roles were never any good to begin with.
Let me begin with the aside that this all ties nicely in to a recent piece on validity I read.
This kind of stuff is bizarre but also nearly universal in culture. I was having a conversation at a wedding recently with a young lady who was a "server" (am I the only person who thinks that word sounds worse than waiter?) and was remarking on the low status of her job compared to the high status of mine. Yet, my job is bullshit. With few exceptions lawyers are, at best, doing bullshit work that shouldn't exist (like me!) or actively making the world a worse place. Meanwhile, the culinary industry is something that makes life awesome!
If my job was obviated by having universal healthcare, everyone would be better off (but some people would be slightly less rich so...). But imagine a world without bars and restaurants! It would be terrible!
I am - by far - the most well compensated and prestigious of anyone in my family since we got to this country a century or so ago. I make - by far - the least amount of positive impact in the world. That's fucked up!
I don't think there's anywhere that's more clear than this distinction between in home/out of home work. Doing sales for a tech company should not be more valued than raising human beings. Financially? Sure, whatever, I'm not an economist. But in terms of respect, that makes no sense.
So, from an unmarried man with no kids, solidarity to my homemakers out there.
Let the three of us link arms and go forth in defense of the dignity of the working/caregiving class!
I also wish you wouldn’t denigrate yourself/your job so much. I very much understand the sentiment having done a job I felt was not worth it for five years. But I have a feeling you are still bringing positivity and good into the world through your job somehow. Don’t talk about my friend DanT that way!
Lol, I almost put in a disclaimer that I wasn't self pitying but I omitted it for brevity. But I think it's indisputable that lawyers are, at best, a necessary evil and, in my particular field, something that only exists because of flaws in the system that could be easily solved. I help people who should not need help. I often say I hope to see my job rendered obsolete because it'll mean the world is a better place.
Depends on the person and the situation, but I think a big part of it is the hours, especially if you work nights. Young people who went to college can be very judgey about it, too. I had the sort of benefit of being in pastry when the foodie thing was really hot. Women put up with a lot in the the biz.
Oh, I know the one you mean -- that was a great FdB piece!
When I was self-employed I use to have the opposite go to line. I'd tell people it was great except my boss is a dick. Good times.
The nuclear family thing is interesting. I feel it's antithetical to the ethnic experience. Except for maybe a brief period in - you guessed it, the 50s - my family has never been like that. It's always been large, sprawling multi-generational families living together (or, like me as an adulr, just solo).
I never experienced a Leave it to Beaver life so maybe it actually fucking rocks. But I loved growing up in a house with my cousins and my grandparents. Sure, good luck finding alone time, and I probably didn't get as big a dinner as my classmates,* but I wouldn't trade it for anything.
* I will argue I ate better because my grandma's macaroni was orders of magnitude better than anything the medigans were eating.**
** Did I just footnote my comment? You're damm right I did.
I grew up with my grandmother in-house all the time, and occasional overseas relatives--nobody ever stayed in a hotel. It was great! I think there's a new iteration of June Cleaver in online/influencer spaces because influencer branding (when its not Kardashianesque) is so curated to seem "effortless" and "flawless."
As per usual, my people were all over this phenomenon a few centuries ago. Baldassarre Castiglione coined the term "sprezzatura" which refers to "a certain nonchalance, so as to conceal all art and make whatever one does or says appear to be without effort and almost without any thought about it."
Sprezzatura, no matter what it's called, has been around for centuries (likely far longer, since the Neolithic Revolution) and changes its shape while maintaining the same spirit. It's locked in an eternal struggle with handsei and grindset.
Wow I didn’t know any of that which is a shame since I discovered that genetically I am 2% from the Italian peninsula. I’ve really been diving into my Italian heritage. I had spaghet last night just like in the old country. Capisce?!
Excellent use of the ginzo slang "capisce" instead of the Italian "capisci." I am impressed.
My favorite thing about those tests are that they change. For five years I was part Jewish! I made a lot of jokes I needed to apologize for once it updated.
Lol. Yes I haven’t taken one in a long time so I’m sure the genetic tracking technology is more precise now. Until such time as I happen to do one again, I would prefer everyone accept my self identification as Italian. Regardless of what your DNA says, you’re a…come si dice..mensch!
So your pronouns are Fuhgedda and Boudit?
yes, and if you want a funny story, look up commentator Lee Siegel, who created from whole cloth a sock puppet to "like" his stuff, named Sprezzatura.
as a flaneur I am of course familiar w/ this concept...
Footnote comments, fuck yeah! I do this too. : D
If you don't have thoughts about your thoughts you're not thinking enough.
Before I had my kid, I never imagined that I’d want to be a SAHM, based on my limited patience for other peoples’ kids. But now I am jealous of parents who get to stay home. Parenting is the most meaningful thing I do, and it’s not even close. It’s awful how the US work week, and lack of vacation, limit our time with our kids.
Absolutely. If, when I left my job, remote part time work was an option—which it 100% could have been, it just wasn’t A Thing That Is Done at that time— I would’ve continued working. But at that time the choice was sit on my thumb at the office 8 hours a day while somebody else took care of my kid, or quit. We were the working poor for many years after that.
Those are still the options for most parents, and of course working from home isn’t possible in a lot of jobs anyway. BUT. With more flexibility not only could parents spend more time as caregivers to their own kids, they could be available to close friends and family to help watch THEIR kids. I have found that 3-5 kids is very doable as a caregiver, because they entertain each other. They get to be with a parent or other loving adult in their life and they also get to hang out with close friends or cousins.
Is this thing on?
😂 the audio staff have a directive to mute the mic when you’re up
There goes the neighborhood!
It’s just that [mumble mumble trans people]
No, seriously, is this where the wretched refuse of FdB's teaming shore can blather freely? Or would that lead to Double Secret Probation?*
*asking for a friend, not that I have any
Yes this is a safe space. For anyone who is not guilty of wrongthink.
I loved this essay, and not just for your apt use of “faffing around.” I was a stay-at-home mom for 21 years, and now that both kids have left the nest, I’m “just” a housewife. While it has happened only one time that someone has said to my face that I am selfishly wasting my talents, I read this kind of thing in NYTimes comment sections (and their ilk) all the time. And for at least the last 15 years, well-meaning people have asked me when I’m going back to work (not even whether; when), how I can stand being so bored (I’m not bored), how much they wish they had time to sit around reading novels (it’s true; I do read a lot), and how I’m lucky that I have time to have so many hobbies (it’s true; I do have a lot of hobbies).
Somehow the fact that I LIKE living this way never comes into it, or that both my kids are autistic and one is physically disabled too, so part of why I chose to stay home was so I could ferry them to doctors’ appointments and therapies. Or that my staying home meant that my husband could take much more lucrative work opportunities, giving our family much more income than I could have earned as a teacher. Etc. Disappointingly, all of these little remarks are made by people on my end of the political spectrum. I think that feminism means women have a right to choose our path in life, not that there are only a few correct paths for us.
Anyway, as always, I loved your essay, which says what I have been thinking so much better than I ever could.