"The distaste for the attitude comes from feeling judged and found wanting, when in fact you have a life you find valuable and meaningful."
As a non-traditionally-minded homemaker, this is completely on the money, for me. And yeah, I've gotten way more judgment in my bubble from being a homemaker than anything else I've done. Even among people who consider themselves very progressive and feminist (maybe even especially there), any kind of outside-the-home work is *still* valued much more than traditional "women's work". Says a lot.
When I was self-employed I use to have the opposite go to line. I'd tell people it was great except my boss is a dick. Good times.
The nuclear family thing is interesting. I feel it's antithetical to the ethnic experience. Except for maybe a brief period in - you guessed it, the 50s - my family has never been like that. It's always been large, sprawling multi-generational families living together (or, like me as an adulr, just solo).
I never experienced a Leave it to Beaver life so maybe it actually fucking rocks. But I loved growing up in a house with my cousins and my grandparents. Sure, good luck finding alone time, and I probably didn't get as big a dinner as my classmates,* but I wouldn't trade it for anything.
* I will argue I ate better because my grandma's macaroni was orders of magnitude better than anything the medigans were eating.**
** Did I just footnote my comment? You're damm right I did.
Before I had my kid, I never imagined that I’d want to be a SAHM, based on my limited patience for other peoples’ kids. But now I am jealous of parents who get to stay home. Parenting is the most meaningful thing I do, and it’s not even close. It’s awful how the US work week, and lack of vacation, limit our time with our kids.
I loved this essay, and not just for your apt use of “faffing around.” I was a stay-at-home mom for 21 years, and now that both kids have left the nest, I’m “just” a housewife. While it has happened only one time that someone has said to my face that I am selfishly wasting my talents, I read this kind of thing in NYTimes comment sections (and their ilk) all the time. And for at least the last 15 years, well-meaning people have asked me when I’m going back to work (not even whether; when), how I can stand being so bored (I’m not bored), how much they wish they had time to sit around reading novels (it’s true; I do read a lot), and how I’m lucky that I have time to have so many hobbies (it’s true; I do have a lot of hobbies).
Somehow the fact that I LIKE living this way never comes into it, or that both my kids are autistic and one is physically disabled too, so part of why I chose to stay home was so I could ferry them to doctors’ appointments and therapies. Or that my staying home meant that my husband could take much more lucrative work opportunities, giving our family much more income than I could have earned as a teacher. Etc. Disappointingly, all of these little remarks are made by people on my end of the political spectrum. I think that feminism means women have a right to choose our path in life, not that there are only a few correct paths for us.
Anyway, as always, I loved your essay, which says what I have been thinking so much better than I ever could.
"The distaste for the attitude comes from feeling judged and found wanting, when in fact you have a life you find valuable and meaningful."
As a non-traditionally-minded homemaker, this is completely on the money, for me. And yeah, I've gotten way more judgment in my bubble from being a homemaker than anything else I've done. Even among people who consider themselves very progressive and feminist (maybe even especially there), any kind of outside-the-home work is *still* valued much more than traditional "women's work". Says a lot.
When I was self-employed I use to have the opposite go to line. I'd tell people it was great except my boss is a dick. Good times.
The nuclear family thing is interesting. I feel it's antithetical to the ethnic experience. Except for maybe a brief period in - you guessed it, the 50s - my family has never been like that. It's always been large, sprawling multi-generational families living together (or, like me as an adulr, just solo).
I never experienced a Leave it to Beaver life so maybe it actually fucking rocks. But I loved growing up in a house with my cousins and my grandparents. Sure, good luck finding alone time, and I probably didn't get as big a dinner as my classmates,* but I wouldn't trade it for anything.
* I will argue I ate better because my grandma's macaroni was orders of magnitude better than anything the medigans were eating.**
** Did I just footnote my comment? You're damm right I did.
Before I had my kid, I never imagined that I’d want to be a SAHM, based on my limited patience for other peoples’ kids. But now I am jealous of parents who get to stay home. Parenting is the most meaningful thing I do, and it’s not even close. It’s awful how the US work week, and lack of vacation, limit our time with our kids.
Is this thing on?
I loved this essay, and not just for your apt use of “faffing around.” I was a stay-at-home mom for 21 years, and now that both kids have left the nest, I’m “just” a housewife. While it has happened only one time that someone has said to my face that I am selfishly wasting my talents, I read this kind of thing in NYTimes comment sections (and their ilk) all the time. And for at least the last 15 years, well-meaning people have asked me when I’m going back to work (not even whether; when), how I can stand being so bored (I’m not bored), how much they wish they had time to sit around reading novels (it’s true; I do read a lot), and how I’m lucky that I have time to have so many hobbies (it’s true; I do have a lot of hobbies).
Somehow the fact that I LIKE living this way never comes into it, or that both my kids are autistic and one is physically disabled too, so part of why I chose to stay home was so I could ferry them to doctors’ appointments and therapies. Or that my staying home meant that my husband could take much more lucrative work opportunities, giving our family much more income than I could have earned as a teacher. Etc. Disappointingly, all of these little remarks are made by people on my end of the political spectrum. I think that feminism means women have a right to choose our path in life, not that there are only a few correct paths for us.
Anyway, as always, I loved your essay, which says what I have been thinking so much better than I ever could.