"No amount of telling a person “you are loved, you are valuable to me” will save them from their own stubborn disbelief. And in that disbelief, some people become mired in despair."
Of course, each reason is individual... but I think it's often more a feeling of "I don't //deserve// to be loved" rather than a disbelief that one is loved. Definitely that doomy feeling of the narrative of one's life being over is often key, I suspect, though.
I relate so much to this, as well as the point you made below about the difficulty of convincing (even, loving) someone out of despair, when the impulse to double down on that despair is so strong. In fact, this is part of the definition of despair to me, which distinguishes it from other kinds of sadness: that stubborn doubling down, the compulsive self-intensification, yet not knowing how to stop. I think Jimmy Stewart could have that transformative experience because (aside from it being Hollywood), he simply needed to be shown what he had never noticed all those years, so it was a true revelation. His life was hardly over; that narrative was false. You might say it was his *first* full-blown crisis, as opposed to his fourth, or sixth, or eleventh-and-a-half. And it wasn't just about being loved, it was about agency - realizing he had made an impact on the world and that he mattered to the town as a whole.
So I would parse your own parsing of disbelief just a tiny further. It's not even necessarily about not deserving to be loved, but not knowing what to do with that even if it were true, because it feels irrelevant when you think your life is over and/or you are unable to love yourself, let alone love others, the way others obviously love you. The problem with being loved unconditionally, as important or minimally necessary as that might be, is that you didn't have to do anything, so to "deserve" it is almost incoherent. And if you did earn it conditionally, all the more evidence that it's your destiny to piss it all away! In the meantime, none of that love can live your life for you; it's still up to you to push forward, find that reason to get up in the morning (or to find that will to get up in the morning for no reason, whichever works better).
But that doesn't mean love is irrelevant, either. Sometimes there's a synergy, where the love of others is what helps remind you of what love or life even means. It just depends, I think - there's no magic Christmas formula. Sorry if this got too far afield!
I appreciate that might seem like a semantic difference, but I guess it hasn't been for me, or people I know or have known - though, respectfully, I appreciate sometimes you're just left with speculation at best, which is never enough.
Thanks. Sadly (and I really do mean sadly, as I hate that it's the case) I think that change does have to come from within - though there are definitely lots of material, emotional and chemical actants from without that can act as catalysts or support... or at least keep individuals and others safer/ less distressed in the absence of that change being made.
EDIT: Basically, there needs to be publicly-funded mental health services, families and friends and immeasurably important, but very rarely can someone be //convinced// out of despair by someone else, even if it comes from the most empathetic place.
Never saw it! Thanks for getting it on our radar. I would normally assume the most cult underground Nick Cage movie is Raising Arizona, but that's not too Christmas. Personally I associate him first and foremost with an even more obscure early movie, Birdy (based on one of my favorite childhood books). And the National Lampoon films are a true masterclass in mean-spiritedness, some of the most cheerfully nihilistic commercial family cinema ever committed to screen, IMO. (Even the Lindsey Buckingham "Holiday Road" theme is basically a 3-minute tribute to coke). Speaking of dark, my own favorite Christmas-themed special off the top of my head might be Black Mirror's Christmas special from Season 2. But A Christmas Carol will always have my vote for most profound.
Now that I'm done spitballing, I'll actually go read your post.
'Birdy' was the first "grown up" film I watched as a child, which elicited a strong emotional reaction in me outside of simple Disney sentimentality. (Of course, reading and even television had long done the same, but I wasn't much of a film viewer as a kid!)
The book is great too. I read it very young, like 11 or 12. I was telling another friend once that I consider it one of the very early examples of so-called "autism spectrum fiction," before that label was common knowledge. But the movie was well-done, I thought. That last scene is classic!
Beautifully written! I have only watched The Family Man once, but it fostered an appreciation (very unusual for me) of Cage (only other film I actively like him in is Matchstick Men) and a fondness for Teo Leoni that carried me through Jurassic Park 3 (ALAN!). I agree with your points about the imperfections of Christmas and our lives, and (proselytization alert) found Kira Davis's piece on the subject addressing it briefly but powerfully. :) https://redstate.com/kiradavis/2022/12/25/when-christmas-doesnt-feel-like-christmas-n678879
This is just idle trivia, but the actor who played Dr. Klein (Nicholas Cage's therapist) in Matchstick Men, Bruce Altman, is an old friend from New Haven. Super nice guy, sounds exactly like Dr. Klein in real life.
I haven't seen that many of his roles, but it's always fun to see him pop up somewhere. Especially since it just seems like him. I can only imagine how bizarre it would be to have been friends for years with, say, Christian Bale and then see him in some role where he pulls a DeNiro and you can't even recognize the guy.
I loved this essay, Erin! I wish so much that our culture could let go of the demand that we all live up to our potential--which is defined as achieving in our careers and being as publicly ambitious and impressive as possible. As someone who stepped off that path and am much happier with my good-enough life, even though I am a disappointment to the culture at large, I appreciate the affirmation!
And to me the best Nicholas Cage Christmas movie is Moonstruck, but you’ve persuaded me to give Family Guy a try.
This was so good, Erin. I agree with you - expectations really do contribute to our own well-being, and we all need to believe in our own worth and value. Here's a question: Ellen says to Clark that he gets his expectations too high and that nothing can live up to them. If his expectations were lowered, would the movie have happened? I mean, Eddie would probably still come to visit and possibly kidnap his boss, but when Lewis burned down the tree, if he didn't feel the need for a new tree, the squirrel wouldn't have ruined the house.
I love the 1990s Little Women, but I think the 2019 one is truer to the book and visually, would be more illustrative of the time (like, where the Hummels live). Thoughts?
First, I have to admit: I haven't seen the 2019 version. But I vow that now I finally will. One thing I think the 1990s one did was incorporate some somewhat autobiographical stuff about Louisa May Alcott into the Jo character. I shall report back when I finally watch the more recent one.
I think you're totally right that the movie wouldn't have happened if Clark had lowered his expectations. Better for the Griswolds, sadder for us! Without his deranged commitment to the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby danced with Danny fucking Kaye, we wouldn't have "fixed the newel post!" either. Or "we needed a coffin...I mean, tree..." hahaha I'm laughing just thinking about it all.
To me Christmas Vacation is like Meet the Parents: if it was actually happening to you, it would be a misery. But in the context of a comedy, it's hysterical.
Ohhhhhh I think you will really like the 2019 version because there is a lot in there that is exactly LMA's life - including publishing Little Women, and how she never got married. It's so clever, really. Watch and report back, please!
I am perplexed by the idea that the 2019 film is truer to the book. But that's partly because I found the ending of it particularly to be actively mocking the ending of the book in a particularly nasty way, plus the addition of a completely confusing and pointless additional emotional curlique that Jo goes through that is not from the book.
But that is exactly how the ending was written, from LMA’s point of view. She was made to marry off Jo, so she wrote the ending of the book merely so it would be published. I disagree, I did not find it nasty at all. LMA famously did not marry and did not want Jo to marry, but ended up marrying her in the book because the publisher would not publish Good Wives otherwise. The 2019 movie showed sisters in such a true way.
Given how LMA wrote Jo in Little Men and Jo's Boys, even if she was "made" to write the ending that way, I don't think she viewed it as horrible or a sellout. You can't write something as beautifully heartfelt as LMA did with "Not empty now" and feel the same nasty, snide mockery that Gerwig splashed on the screen.
I don't find truth in the film at all, and was really disappointed by it as a whole. I have many friends who do like it, so I understand its appeal, but I cannot recommend it at all.
This was so much fun to read! I may be one of few who never saw Family Man. I will watch it this week! Happy new Year!
I hope you like it!
"No amount of telling a person “you are loved, you are valuable to me” will save them from their own stubborn disbelief. And in that disbelief, some people become mired in despair."
Of course, each reason is individual... but I think it's often more a feeling of "I don't //deserve// to be loved" rather than a disbelief that one is loved. Definitely that doomy feeling of the narrative of one's life being over is often key, I suspect, though.
I relate so much to this, as well as the point you made below about the difficulty of convincing (even, loving) someone out of despair, when the impulse to double down on that despair is so strong. In fact, this is part of the definition of despair to me, which distinguishes it from other kinds of sadness: that stubborn doubling down, the compulsive self-intensification, yet not knowing how to stop. I think Jimmy Stewart could have that transformative experience because (aside from it being Hollywood), he simply needed to be shown what he had never noticed all those years, so it was a true revelation. His life was hardly over; that narrative was false. You might say it was his *first* full-blown crisis, as opposed to his fourth, or sixth, or eleventh-and-a-half. And it wasn't just about being loved, it was about agency - realizing he had made an impact on the world and that he mattered to the town as a whole.
So I would parse your own parsing of disbelief just a tiny further. It's not even necessarily about not deserving to be loved, but not knowing what to do with that even if it were true, because it feels irrelevant when you think your life is over and/or you are unable to love yourself, let alone love others, the way others obviously love you. The problem with being loved unconditionally, as important or minimally necessary as that might be, is that you didn't have to do anything, so to "deserve" it is almost incoherent. And if you did earn it conditionally, all the more evidence that it's your destiny to piss it all away! In the meantime, none of that love can live your life for you; it's still up to you to push forward, find that reason to get up in the morning (or to find that will to get up in the morning for no reason, whichever works better).
But that doesn't mean love is irrelevant, either. Sometimes there's a synergy, where the love of others is what helps remind you of what love or life even means. It just depends, I think - there's no magic Christmas formula. Sorry if this got too far afield!
I appreciate that might seem like a semantic difference, but I guess it hasn't been for me, or people I know or have known - though, respectfully, I appreciate sometimes you're just left with speculation at best, which is never enough.
Not just semantic; the distinction makes sense. In that same way, I don’t know how a person could be convinced.
Thanks. Sadly (and I really do mean sadly, as I hate that it's the case) I think that change does have to come from within - though there are definitely lots of material, emotional and chemical actants from without that can act as catalysts or support... or at least keep individuals and others safer/ less distressed in the absence of that change being made.
EDIT: Basically, there needs to be publicly-funded mental health services, families and friends and immeasurably important, but very rarely can someone be //convinced// out of despair by someone else, even if it comes from the most empathetic place.
I agree completely.
Thanks Erin! I found it a tricky thing to express!
Never saw it! Thanks for getting it on our radar. I would normally assume the most cult underground Nick Cage movie is Raising Arizona, but that's not too Christmas. Personally I associate him first and foremost with an even more obscure early movie, Birdy (based on one of my favorite childhood books). And the National Lampoon films are a true masterclass in mean-spiritedness, some of the most cheerfully nihilistic commercial family cinema ever committed to screen, IMO. (Even the Lindsey Buckingham "Holiday Road" theme is basically a 3-minute tribute to coke). Speaking of dark, my own favorite Christmas-themed special off the top of my head might be Black Mirror's Christmas special from Season 2. But A Christmas Carol will always have my vote for most profound.
Now that I'm done spitballing, I'll actually go read your post.
I’m not actually a National Lampoon fan; just the Christmas one.
'Birdy' was the first "grown up" film I watched as a child, which elicited a strong emotional reaction in me outside of simple Disney sentimentality. (Of course, reading and even television had long done the same, but I wasn't much of a film viewer as a kid!)
The book is great too. I read it very young, like 11 or 12. I was telling another friend once that I consider it one of the very early examples of so-called "autism spectrum fiction," before that label was common knowledge. But the movie was well-done, I thought. That last scene is classic!
Oh so we're ripping off my gimmick of pitching movies in every post? That means if any get greenlit I get 15%
https://youtu.be/F1XCUo_Uu8M
It’s only fair. You know I can and do steal valor at every turn.
Beautifully written! I have only watched The Family Man once, but it fostered an appreciation (very unusual for me) of Cage (only other film I actively like him in is Matchstick Men) and a fondness for Teo Leoni that carried me through Jurassic Park 3 (ALAN!). I agree with your points about the imperfections of Christmas and our lives, and (proselytization alert) found Kira Davis's piece on the subject addressing it briefly but powerfully. :) https://redstate.com/kiradavis/2022/12/25/when-christmas-doesnt-feel-like-christmas-n678879
I’ll check it out! (From an incognito browser. Don’t want it getting out that I read something on a conservative site!!!!!!!!!!!!!) 😏
Oh, my, now that's...extreme. And dedicated! :)
This is just idle trivia, but the actor who played Dr. Klein (Nicholas Cage's therapist) in Matchstick Men, Bruce Altman, is an old friend from New Haven. Super nice guy, sounds exactly like Dr. Klein in real life.
How cool!!!
I haven't seen that many of his roles, but it's always fun to see him pop up somewhere. Especially since it just seems like him. I can only imagine how bizarre it would be to have been friends for years with, say, Christian Bale and then see him in some role where he pulls a DeNiro and you can't even recognize the guy.
I loved this essay, Erin! I wish so much that our culture could let go of the demand that we all live up to our potential--which is defined as achieving in our careers and being as publicly ambitious and impressive as possible. As someone who stepped off that path and am much happier with my good-enough life, even though I am a disappointment to the culture at large, I appreciate the affirmation!
And to me the best Nicholas Cage Christmas movie is Moonstruck, but you’ve persuaded me to give Family Guy a try.
Confession: I haven’t seen moonstruck. Or maybe I have but not for a looooooooooooong time.
As someone with a college degree who became an at home parent, I identify with you!
I lived around the corner from the Cammereri bakery for 10 years.
I would choose Téa Leoni though the Gates of Hell open to me instanter.
This was so good, Erin. I agree with you - expectations really do contribute to our own well-being, and we all need to believe in our own worth and value. Here's a question: Ellen says to Clark that he gets his expectations too high and that nothing can live up to them. If his expectations were lowered, would the movie have happened? I mean, Eddie would probably still come to visit and possibly kidnap his boss, but when Lewis burned down the tree, if he didn't feel the need for a new tree, the squirrel wouldn't have ruined the house.
I love the 1990s Little Women, but I think the 2019 one is truer to the book and visually, would be more illustrative of the time (like, where the Hummels live). Thoughts?
these are fantastic questions!!
First, I have to admit: I haven't seen the 2019 version. But I vow that now I finally will. One thing I think the 1990s one did was incorporate some somewhat autobiographical stuff about Louisa May Alcott into the Jo character. I shall report back when I finally watch the more recent one.
I think you're totally right that the movie wouldn't have happened if Clark had lowered his expectations. Better for the Griswolds, sadder for us! Without his deranged commitment to the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby danced with Danny fucking Kaye, we wouldn't have "fixed the newel post!" either. Or "we needed a coffin...I mean, tree..." hahaha I'm laughing just thinking about it all.
To me Christmas Vacation is like Meet the Parents: if it was actually happening to you, it would be a misery. But in the context of a comedy, it's hysterical.
Ohhhhhh I think you will really like the 2019 version because there is a lot in there that is exactly LMA's life - including publishing Little Women, and how she never got married. It's so clever, really. Watch and report back, please!
I am perplexed by the idea that the 2019 film is truer to the book. But that's partly because I found the ending of it particularly to be actively mocking the ending of the book in a particularly nasty way, plus the addition of a completely confusing and pointless additional emotional curlique that Jo goes through that is not from the book.
But that is exactly how the ending was written, from LMA’s point of view. She was made to marry off Jo, so she wrote the ending of the book merely so it would be published. I disagree, I did not find it nasty at all. LMA famously did not marry and did not want Jo to marry, but ended up marrying her in the book because the publisher would not publish Good Wives otherwise. The 2019 movie showed sisters in such a true way.
Given how LMA wrote Jo in Little Men and Jo's Boys, even if she was "made" to write the ending that way, I don't think she viewed it as horrible or a sellout. You can't write something as beautifully heartfelt as LMA did with "Not empty now" and feel the same nasty, snide mockery that Gerwig splashed on the screen.
I don't find truth in the film at all, and was really disappointed by it as a whole. I have many friends who do like it, so I understand its appeal, but I cannot recommend it at all.
I guess we see it differently. Happy New Year!