When life gives you an Oscar nomination, make the most of the opportunity and punch a frenemy on TV
oh, that old chestnut! Just some thoughts on conflict, abuse, and identity
Sensing the world needed a break from constant coverage of the grim Ukraine-Russia war, humanitarian and perpetually fresh guy Will Smith hit Chris Rock in the face on live television at Hollywood’s most prestigious event. I do feel compelled to say: I do not care about this. But the New York Times1 saw fit to email me directly about it, so obviously it’s now important to me.2
What this DID do was get me thinking about offenses and how we respond to them.
Apparently, Rock had poked the bear before as regards the women in Smith’s family, and also the joke about Jada Pinkett-Smith’s hair was in poor taste because she has alopecia. Regardless, it was an extreme overreaction: a bitch slap is a bitch slap, even if everyone’s in tuxedos.
But moving more broadly, it’s worth thinking about the differences between conflict and abuse, between bullying and someone being an asshole.
I recently borrowed the book Conflict Is Not Abuse: Overstating Harm, Community Responsibility, and the Duty of Repair from the library. While I found some of the examples annoying and not broadly relevant, I noted this: “confusion between abused and conflict exists in our historic moment in all structured relationship: from the most intimate partnerships…to the geopolitical dynamics between nations.”
I’d like to be clear on another point: abuse is real and should not be ignored. Emotional/psychological abuse is not acceptable any more than physical abuse is. Someone persistently undermining your autonomy, denigrating you, minimizing your feelings, or seeking to control your behavior is absolutely abusive. And if someone is physically harming you, it’s unequivocally abuse.
Chris Rock making fun of Jada Pinkett-Smith’s hairstyle doesn’t seem to fall into that category.
Neither does generalized assholic behavior. For example, at last night’s soccer practice, Oliver told me a former teammate crowed “Brazil sucks” during scrimmage (Oliver is on team Brazil, and as I mentioned in a previous post, I’m not so happy with how the organization he plays in has changed some things up this season). Is that kid a jerk? Obviously. But he wasn’t being a bully per se. I counseled Oliver to try and ignore that kind of crap, I commiserated with his annoyance—and then you can bet your ass I emailed the coaches about it.
Here’s how I handled it, if you find yourself in a similar situation and need some help composing your email:
Hi Coaches,
Just wanted to let you know that Oliver told me a couple kids from USA were saying “Brazil sucks” during scrimmage last night. I’ve talked to him about it and encouraged him to ignore that kind of talk, but I also wanted to make sure you knew. The Brazil kids have had a rough go of it—particularly the guys who have been playing for a couple years already—and it doesn’t help to be discouraged by former teammates on top of it. Maybe you could address having encouraging and positive attitudes in general (I’m not trying to get any particular kids in trouble).
Thanks,
Erin
P.S. I’m definitely not going to rat anyone out but if you’re curious the kid is a notorious butthole and his name rhymes with Baylor.3
P.P.S. If you’re still not sure, think of the kid with the shittiest attitude and that’s probably who.
P.P.P.S. It’s Taylor.4
(Just to clarify for any humorless scolds out there, no I didn’t actually include any of those postscripts. I just texted them to the Best Friends Gang.)
What I’m getting at is, everybody just chill. Such offenses and the self-image they disrupt are not nothing, but they’re not everything.
During the Olympics I watched the docuseries Meddling about the controversial pairs ice skating final in the 2002 Olympics. After all the drama and tears, something present-day David Pelletier said stayed with me: “It’s just ice skating.” And last week, an interviewer noted Coach Holloway of the NCAA-bracket-busting St. Peter’s team didn’t seem very nervous, to which he replied, “It’s just basketball.”
For those two guys, their respective sports are a huge part of their lives, yet neither one gave part of his selfhood to the sport. The sport is something to each man—important, a career, a major part of his life—but the sport is not everything.
That phrase—it’s something, but it’s not everything—has been a concept I’ve returned to when needing a little cognitive-behavioral tune-up. Goes hand in hand with the notion of keeping your identity small. When we choose not to overidentify with particular qualities or interests, the less we’ll feel “abused” when we have conflict.5 Like, if Will Smith didn’t identify so strongly with his wife’s hair, Chris Rock could’ve been an ass in peace.
Anyway, this is now the end of the post lol. These past few weeks my attention has been occupied with learning neuroanatomy, so I don’t have a lot of cerebral RAM for polishing my thoughts. But I still wanted to put this out there for your consideration. Thanks for reading!
And because I need a photo for this post, here’s an image from my textbook, believe it or not.
I don’t subscribe to the Times; I just get breaking news emails from them
It isn’t.
His name doesn’t really rhyme with Baylor.
His name is not Taylor.
Once again, abuse is real and it’s unacceptable. Here’s a link to a number of national hotlines, ranging from domestic to suicide prevention to LGBT support.
Pretty fucked up for your textbook to include a photo of me without my permission.
If anyone at my place of work hit anyone for any reason they would be fired. We can talk about why this happened, but assault is something people bring to H.R. and the assaulter has no way to say it was aggravated. You just cannot hit people.